I have to be honest: I did not walk into this medicine journey fearless and confident. I walked in curious, open-hearted, and absolutely terrified at the same time.

We were guided by Julie Cyvonne, a high-performance psychedelic coach, retreat hostess, microdosing mentor, and overall anchoring presence. From the moment I arrived, I knew I was in a safe space, surrounded by women who were willing to look within, soften, and be seen. But even in all that safety, my fear was loud.

At one point, I told myself, “Nope. I’m not doing it. I’ll just attend the retreat, journal, connect, rest, and create space like I always do.”

And that’s something I already do often: I intentionally create blank space in my life. I love being “bored” on purpose. No noise, no constant input, no endless doing. I truly believe that in today’s world we are so overstimulated, always listening to others, always doing a million things, that we rarely hear ourselves anymore. We forget to pause, to listen to our thoughts, to feel our bodies, to hear nature, or even to hear the nothingness.

So my mind tried to convince me that simply being at the retreat, journaling and resting, was enough. But beneath that calm logic, there was a deeper truth: I was afraid.

Meeting the Monster in My Mind

As I sat with my decision not to take the medicine, I began to recognize a familiar pattern. This wasn’t just about one ceremony. This was about how I had been living my entire life, afraid of the unknown, of what might be on the other side of a big decision, of not feeling safe, of not being held, of not being taken care of.

I was afraid of:

• Not feeling safe in my own body

• Being “too much” or “not enough”

• Facing emotions I had pushed away for years

• Losing control or “going crazy”

• Seeing parts of myself I hadn’t been ready to see

As I write this, I can feel the emotion rising again. The tears, the tightness in my chest, the tenderness for that scared part of me. My fears had become my monster, and as my fear intensified, the monster in my head grew bigger and bigger.

This fear sat with me for days, honestly, for about a week before the retreat. I kept asking myself:

“What if I can’t handle what comes up? What if I break? What if I don’t come back the same?”

And then, almost at the last minute, something in me softened. I asked myself a different question:

“What is the worst that could happen if I trust? What if, instead of running, I meet the monster?”

So I decided to do it.

The Ceremony: Held by God, the Universe, and Sisterhood

When I finally surrendered and stepped into the ceremony, what I experienced was not chaos, not terror, and not the collapse I had imagined.

It was one of the most incredible experiences of my life.

I felt focused, deeply rooted, and in what I can only describe as a meditative state, yet very alive and present. I felt held by God, supported by the universe, and lovingly guided by Julie. I felt held by the energy of the women in the room.

There was a peace I had never felt before. A sense of freedom, stability, joy, and calmness that felt completely new to my nervous system.

Most of my life has felt chaotic. My childhood was filled with instability and trauma. When you grow up like that, sometimes you live your adult life just waiting for the next shoe to drop, the next crisis, the next loss, the next heartbreak. You live braced for impact. You overwork your mind, you push your body, you numb your heart, and you disconnect from your spirit.

There was a long stretch of my life when my mind and body felt so disconnected that I didn’t even feel fully inside my body. I was functioning, but I wasn’t truly inhabiting myself.

Cancer as a Turning Point

Many of you know this already, but my cancer diagnosis eight years ago became one of the biggest turning points of my life. As strange as it may sound, I truly see my diagnosis as a gift. It pushed me into deeper healing, into my purpose, and into the work I now do, not just for myself, but in service to others.

In these eight years, I have tried so many healing modalities:

• Therapy

• Energy work like Reiki

• Sound healing

• Journaling

• Breathwork

• Spiritual hypnosis

• And more

Every single modality has brought its own kind of magic to my journey. Each one layered onto the others. They helped me meet myself, understand myself, and bring compassion to little Clarita, the inner child who went through so much. They helped me see why I do many of the things I do, how I protect myself, and how I love.

The idea of a “medicine journey” had been floating in my awareness for a while, but I never felt fully excited about it. To be honest, I felt afraid. I was afraid of what might surface that I hadn’t yet uncovered in all my previous healing work. Afraid of that “monster under the bed” that might suddenly appear. Afraid that if something really big came up, I might not be able to hold space for myself. Afraid I might lose my mind, or not be able to come back to myself.

None of that happened.

Instead, what happened was a beautiful, grounded, heart-centered experience that reminded me how powerful and supported I truly am.

The Stories We Tell Ourselves

This experience was such a clear example of how our minds create monsters out of the unknown.

For me, it was a medicine journey. For you, it might be:

• A conversation you’ve been avoiding

• A change you know you need to make

• Leaving a job or relationship

• Saying yes to something bigger than you’ve ever done before

So often, we create an entire story in our head about how bad it will be, how we’ll fail, how we won’t be safe, how we won’t be supported. We then live inside that story, instead of stepping into the actual experience with a full heart, no expectations, and trust that we are held by God and the universe.

I grew up Catholic, with lots of rules about what was “good” and “bad,” “acceptable” and “not acceptable.” I’m not saying religion is wrong. There is beauty in it. But when a child already carries trauma and insecurity, rigid rules can sometimes deepen shame and confusion. I grew up not feeling fully supported, always a bit afraid, always a bit unsure of who I was allowed to be.

And yet, I have always believed in God. After my diagnosis, I leaned much more into the spiritual world and began to see how deeply supported we truly are. I started to experience spirituality not as fear and judgment, but as love, expansion, and infinite support.

This weekend, during the medicine journey, that support felt very real and very close.

The Women, the Space, and the Remembering

I had the honor of being led by Julie and accompanied by four incredible women who brought so much light, support, and reflection into the space. Each of them mirrored something back to me, courage, vulnerability, truth, softness, and I felt so much love.

The host of the house was incredible, and I felt so comfortable and welcomed. It was as if I had known these women before, in another lifetime. The connection felt ancient and familiar, like we were remembering each other rather than meeting for the first time.

My experience is still unfolding. I’m still integrating, still noticing what is shifting inside me. But one of the clearest messages that came through was this:

I am not “broken,” and I am not “still healing” in the way I used to believe.

I received this deep confirmation that I am not chasing healing anymore. I am living it. I am arriving, every day, into the life I already have.

“Less is more” kept coming through. Less chasing, less fixing, more presence, more trust. Trusting my intuition. Trusting myself. Quieting my mind. Listening inward. Knowing that I already carry what I need.

Life will continue, of course. There will be new seasons, new challenges, and new expansions. Different times will call for different tools and modalities. But I don’t feel like I’m trying to “finish” healing anymore. I feel like I am here to enjoy the journey, to enjoy life, to enjoy what I already have now.

This weekend was expansive in a way that words can barely capture.

To the women who opened their home and hearts to me, to my AMAZING friend who invited me into this experience at exactly the right time: thank you. You came into my life with a full heart, a beautiful spirit, so much inspiration and generosity. I will always be grateful that God and the universe used you as a bridge to this next chapter of my healing.

How This Medicine May Work in the Brain and Heart

Although my experience was very personal and spiritual, there is also emerging science looking at how certain psychedelic “medicines,” including psilocybin, the active compound in many “magic mushrooms,” may support mental health and emotional healing.

A few key scientific insights (you know I’m a geek when it comes to research lol):

• Psilocybin for depression: Recent randomized clinical trials have found that a single dose of psilocybin, combined with psychological support, can rapidly and significantly reduce depressive symptoms in people with major depressive disorder, with benefits lasting for weeks to months in many participants.

• Cancer-related anxiety and depression: A landmark double blind randomized trial in patients with life-threatening cancer showed that a single high dose of psilocybin, in a carefully supported setting, produced substantial and sustained decreases in depression and anxiety, with many participants still showing clinically significant improvements months later.

• Treatment-resistant cases: Reviews of randomized controlled trials suggest that psilocybin assisted therapy can be helpful even in treatment resistant depression, where traditional medications have not worked well.

• Possible brain mechanisms: Studies suggest that psilocybin can temporarily increase brain neuroplasticity, our brain’s ability to form new connections, potentially supporting new patterns of thinking and behavior, especially when paired with therapy and integration practices.

For those who are curious to dive deeper into the science, sites like MushroomReference.com compile research summaries and educational content on psychedelic assisted therapies and medicinal mushrooms in an accessible way. They help make it easier to understand both the potential and the limitations of current evidence.

It is also important to mention that microdosing, taking very small, sub perceptual doses, is being studied, but the evidence is still early and mixed. Some observational studies suggest improvements in mood and mental health, while controlled trials sometimes show more modest or placebo-like effects.  Science is still evolving here.

If You Feel Called to This Work

If you feel curious about a medicine journey, here are a few reflections from my heart:

• Go in with a full heart, not a full agenda.

• Have no expectations, but strong intentions.

• Surround yourself with safe, experienced, trauma aware support.

• Allow yourself to feel whatever arises without judgment.

• Remember that integration after the experience is just as important as the experience itself.

If you are looking for someone to hold space for you in this capacity, please research your facilitator. Ask about their training, values, approach, and safety protocols. Notice how your body feels when you talk to them.

I can only personally recommend Julie Cyvonne, because she is who I experienced firsthand in this powerful transformation. You can learn more about her work at:

• juliecyvonne.com 

And stay tuned. Julie will be joining me on the podcast in April, and I can’t wait to share our conversation and her wisdom with you.

Important Medical Disclaimer

This is my personal story and reflection on my own healing journey. It is not medical advice.

Psychedelic substances such as psilocybin are still illegal in many places and can carry psychological, legal, and physical risks, especially for people with certain medical or mental health conditions. The research mentioned above has been conducted in highly controlled, clinical or retreat like settings with screening, preparation, professional support, and integration.

If you are considering any kind of medicine journey, microdosing, or psychedelic assisted therapy:

• Always check the laws where you live.

• Consult with a qualified healthcare professional who understands your medical history and medications.

• Do not stop or change any prescribed treatment without talking to your doctor.

• Make safety, screening, and integration your top priorities.

My hope in sharing this is not to convince anyone to do what I did, but to offer a window into what is possible when we meet our fears with compassion, when we allow ourselves to be supported, and when we choose to walk through the doorway of the unknown with a full, trusting heart.

A Few Research References You Can Explore

Here’s a few references if you want to go deeper into the science:

• Single-dose psilocybin treatment for major depressive disorder (randomized clinical trial).

• Psilocybin for major depressive disorder: systematic review of randomized controlled trials.​

• Psilocybin in treatment‑resistant depression and mood disorders: recent randomized trials and pooled analyses.

• Psilocybin for depression and anxiety in patients with life‑threatening cancer: randomized double‑blind trials.

• Reviews on psilocybin’s potential effects on neuroplasticity and emotional processing.

• Clinical trial protocols and studies on medicinal mushrooms and mood (e.g., lion’s mane and reishi).

• Overviews and curated references on psychedelic and mushroom research available via MushroomReference.com.​

Xo,

Clarita, Founder of Claridad

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